The Case of the Pilfered Professor
by Le Penguin
Summary: (OR: Dude, Where's My Data Man?) Yanagi is kidnapped by a mysterious man. Can the Sanada Detective Agency find him before it's too late? The second piece of the epic Rikkai Detective Saga.


(A/N): The second part of the aptly nicknamed "Rikkai Detective-verse" series. The first part, "The Case of the Missing Panties," can be found by visiting my profile. 

(Since the parts can be read separately, I've logged them as separate stories.)

Welp, a certain reviewer was kind enough to draw the "Never-ending Story" striptease scene from chapter one: her site's at marrek.republika.pl. Visit! Now!

~*

It was a dark and stormy night in Tokyo, but luckily I was inside enjoying a warm cup o' tea with my beloved Seiichi and my ol' pal Renji. There hadn't been any case calls that night, so I figured that I could call up my doll, drop in on Renji, and have some laughs and maybe some strawberry shortcake. 

Everything was going peachy, really. Seiichi let me rest my hand on his thigh without giving me a sound beating afterward, I was skillfully evading conversational traps that Renji set up that'd let him make some suave-ass comment, and I found that oolong tea tastes much better when you put some sugar in it. 

"Genichirou, that's the eighth teaspoon of sugar that you've put in that cup."

"And?"

"It's oolong tea, not Kool-Aid," Yanagi explained, calmly sipping at his own tea. "One normally doesn't put sugar in it at all, in fact."

Sanada shrugged, stirring his tea. "Hey, it's my own drink; I can do what I want with it."

"Including vomiting it all up later after your system goes into diabetic arrest, I suppose?" Yanagi set his cup on the table next to him with a smirk on his lips. 

Yukimura let out bubbling laughter, setting down his own cup so he could press a hand to his chest. Sanada's eyebrow twitched. 

I in fact could do what I wanted with it, including dumping it all over my dear ol' pal's head. 'Oh, he's always so witty,' Seiichi says to me sometimes. And what's wit, huh? Just some more "sophisticated" and "subtle" way to sock someone in the face, that's what--bastard can't even take the direct route; I'd respect him a lot more if he'd just try to clock me on the nose...

...ahem. Well, I manfully kept my composure; which I think had quite the effect on my darling Seiichi.

Yukimura was attempting to catch his breath, fanning himself. "Oh, Professor, you're always so witty," he laughed. 

Sanada's eyebrow twitched once more. A smile that rivaled a Cheshire Cat's spread across Yanagi's lips.

"Yukimura-san, call me 'Renji,'" he said. "'Professor' is so formal."

"Oh, 'professor' is so formal..." Sanada mocked, under his breath. He sipped at his sweetened tea and made a face.

Yukimura frowned, lightly slapping Sanada on the knee. "Now, Sanada..." he chastised. "Is that any way to treat your friend?"

Sanada scowled. "It is when he's blatantly hitting on you. And call me 'Genichirou;' 'Sanada' is so formal."

Yukimura and Yanagi each rose an eyebrow at this statement. Sanada merely stared back, the irony seemingly lost upon him. The blue-haired boy shook his head, pressing his fingertips to his temple. 

"Honestly, I don't know why you treat poor Renji-san so shabbily," Yukimura sighed. "He's merely trying to make conversation."

"Conversation?" said Sanada in disbelief. "What kind of friend makes conversation by insulting his friend and trying to steal his fiancé?"

Yukimura gave Sanada a Look. "I'll believe the 'fianc' part when I see the ring," he said, dryly. 

"And I wasn't insulting you, my dear Genichirou," said Yanagi, leaning back in his chair. "I was merely concerned for your health. Too much sugar isn't good for the body or the mind, and it defeats the purpose of meeting for drinks when one's drink has an equal liquid-to-solid ratio."

Sanada harrumphed. "I've been taking my tea with sugar ever since I was a squirt, and it never did me any harm."

"Yet one must admit that it was at least indirectly responsible for your frequent dentist visits," Yanagi pointed out. 

The bottom of Sanada's cup met with the coffee table, hard. Sanada leaned back against the couch, glaring at Yanagi. 

"I'll admit that I'm getting damned tired of listening to someone who's supposed to be my oldest chum insult me at every opportunity," he replied, venomously quiet. 

Yanagi rose his hands in a sign of surrender, smiling slightly. "My apologies. I'll stop my teasing."

"That still doesn't settle the matter of--" Sanada moved to rise off the couch, but was stopped by a deathly tight grip on his shoulder. He gulped, truly and honestly afraid to turn and see the murderous look on the boy seated next to him on the couch. As such, he merely made a gesture with his head. "--Seiichi here."

Yanagi's expression faltered a moment. After a few seconds, he opened his mouth to make a reply--

--Only to be interrupted by a booming crack of thunder, and a flash of lightning. The lighting in the house flickered off. 

Sanada shot up, blinking against the darkness--in the process of the "getting up and blinking," he managed to knock over the coffee table and shatter something nearby that sounded glass and expensive. He groped around, trying to find Yukimura's wrist--managing to find something warm and firm. He blinked.

"...Muffin, where's my hand?" he asked, trying to pacify the excitement in his voice.

His question was met with an annoyed grunt. "In ma' phace," came the slurred answer. 

Sanada nodded, then carefully slid his hand down Yukimura's body as if in search of something. Seeming to find his target, he squeezed--and was rewarded with a yelp from the blue-haired boy.

"Now where's my hand?" Sanada asked.

He was met with a slap to the face. Sanada rubbed his abused cheek, grinning slightly. 

The pain I suffered was so worth it. Anyway, it did not go past my notice that Seiichi's love tap went uncommented on by Renji--in fact, I didn't even hear a chuckle or snicker. Just when I began to think that maybe Renji was actually taking up his promise, the backup lighting flicked on.

Sanada and Yukimura surveyed the room, eyebrows raised. Yanagi was nowhere to be seen.

A trio of helper robots skittered into the room. They had been handmade by the Professor himself for his grad school thesis--they sang, they danced, they made tea and performed chores at thrice the speed of a human. Yanagi would've come up with something more impressive, but he'd forgotten about his thesis until he'd woken up the morning it was due and had to make up something on the fly. Unsurprisingly he still got an A-plus-plus-plus on the project and once again attracted the begging of NASA scientists for Yanagi to grace their presence.

The helper robots immediately bypassed Sanada and halted in front of Yukimura, bowing their heads. The largest of the robots inched forward.

"We have been programmed by our master to personally attend to you when there is any sign of danger," said the robot. "We are at your command, Yukimura-sama."

Sanada scowled, moving to curl his arm around Yukimura's waist. "Tell your master that Seiichi's perfectly safe in my care."

The robot made a strange clicking sound. "We are sorry," it said after a moment. "We are unable to process that statement. Previous data does not agree."

Sanada's eyes crossed, his frown deepening. "What's that supposed to mean..." he growled. 

One of the smaller robots rolled forward. A projector screen lowered from the ceiling, and the lights dimmed. The two other robots led Yukimura to the couch, supplying him with a bowl of popcorn and a fruity drink. Sanada flopped down next to Yukimura, sulkily snatching a handful of popcorn. The smaller robot's eyes began to glow, and it directed the light onto the projector screen. 

"Exhibit A," the largest robot began. "Genichirou Sanada, aged four years, taking care of the family bird."

Sanada and Yukimura both winced at the scene on the screen, the terrified squawking of the bird on screen filling the room--suddenly halted by a loud thump. Silence for a moment.

"Moooo-ommy, Mr. Feathers fell asleep while we were playing!" the voice of the four-year-old Sanada whined from the soundtrack.

Yukimura looked over at Sanada, jaw agape. Sanada coughed, trying to hide his embarrassment. 

"...damned bird deserved it," was his only defense. 

The projector robot clicked.

"Exhibit B; Genichirou Sanada, aged nine years, taking care of the class gerbil," continued the largest robot.

Both Sanada and Yukimura paled at the sight of this next scene. Sanada quickly covered Yukimura's eyes, and, despite himself, Yukimura clung to Sanada's arm. 

"Turn it off, turn it off!" shouted Sanada. "I get the point!" 

The robots obligingly stopped the show, and adjusted the lighting back to normal. Yukimura slowly removed his grip from Sanada's arm, white as a specter.

"...Sa...Sanada. ...explain, please," Yukimura managed to choke out. 

His command was met with only a depressed look from Sanada. "...I...kinda miss that gerbil," he said, quietly. 

Yukimura paused, sighed, and stroked Sanada's hair comfortingly. Sanada took the opportunity to settle his head on Yukimura's lap. Yukimura rolled his eyes, then turned his attentions to the robots.

"I apologize for asking, but..." he began, looking around. "...where's Renji-san? When the backup lighting came on, he was nowhere to be found."

The robot trio clicked a few times, then bowed their heads sadly. 

"We are sorry, Yukimura-sama, but our sensors do not detect the Professor anywhere in the house," said the largest robot. He rolled forward, and presented Yukimura with a paddle. "Since we have been so very naughty, our master encourages you to punish him personally the next time you meet him."

Sanada plucked the paddle out of Yukimura's hands, and snapped it in two. He dusted off his hands triumphantly. Yukimura slapped him on the head lightly as a reprimand, furrowing his brow worriedly.

"If he's not here, then where could he be?" asked he. 

I'll admit it, I was worried about the bastard, too. For him, skipping out of the house during one of my darling's visits was like leaving a store when they're giving out free candy. Free candy and money. Free candy and money, handed out by a bunch of scantily dressed ukes, hungry for more than just sugar. 

By this logic, my detecting senses came up with only one logical conclusion.

"I say he's been kidnapped," declared Sanada.

Yukimura looked down at Sanada, blinking. Sanada shrugged, rising off of Yukimura's lap and walking over to inspect Yanagi's chair.

"Or maybe he just thought that it'd be a good time to run out to buy some more tea leaves, I don't know."

Yukimura frowned, and crossed his arms. "It's not like Renji-san to just skip out of a room randomly..." he mused. "But I think it's a little early to jump to the conclusion of 'kidnapping.'"

"Oh?" Sanada asked from near the chair where Yanagi had been seated. He held up a small business card. "Read this."

Yukimura tapped over to Sanada, taking the card in one gloved hand and reading it aloud. "'Tokyo Kidnapping, Inc.; finest kidnapping in Tokyo. Birthday parties, weddings, balls, tennis matches...affordable ransoms...mortality rates low, low, low." He gasped, gaping at Sanada. "My goodness; you were actually right!"

"Tha--" Sanada paused, then looked hurt. "Hey. I've been right before."

The projector robot began to pull the projecting screen down again. Sanada grunted in a warning. Yukimura pulled out a small plastic evidence bag from his skirts, tucking the business card into it. 

"We must get going quickly..." Yukimura murmured worriedly. "Who knows what this man has done to poor Renji-san already..."

Sanada lifted up the chair cushion, frowning. "Hmm...think I should call in our scent hound for this one."

He zipped over to the telephone, and punched in a few numbers. A few moments passed, then a sleepy voice on the other line.

"...hmmmeh?"

"Get over here," commanded Sanada. "There's been a kidnapping."

"...hmeh?"

"The Professor. Disappeared a few minutes ago when lightning made the electricity in the house go on the fritz..."

The other line clicked off. Sanada blinked at the receiver. "Hello? Hello? Damned lightning--"

Suddenly, Kirihara crashed through the window of the parlor where Sanada, Yukimura, and the robot trio stood. He shook the glass out of his hair, and raced up to Sanada.

"Who took Unca Renji?! Where?! I'll rip out their inny-bits and fry them up and make them eat them with really hot hot sauce--yipe!" Kirihara was cut off by Yukimura sweeping over and tweaking his ears. He sniffled, wiped his nose on his sleeve--then proceeding to attach himself to Yukimura, snuggling his face against his collarbone. Yukimura began to soothingly pet his hair. 

Sanada crossed his arms, scowling. "Akaya, I didn't promote you from being my secretary so you can forget your introductions," he warned.

Kirihara grumbled, letting out an explosive sigh. "...scent hound of the Sanada Detective Agency, reporting for duty, sir," he mumbled, muffled a bit by Yukimura's chest. 

"I taught you to do it with more feeling than that! Again!" 

"Sanada!" Yukimura reprimanded. "Little Akaya is upset right now; can't you see that?"

Sanada twitched. "...he needs to do his job," he mumbled, looking away--but that was the end of his protests. 

I've learned over the short month that I'd known Seiichi that the little sex-bomb was inexplicably fond of the little monster that was called Akaya Kirihara. Any time that the brat would screw up case filings, any time that the brat would switch my coffee to decaf, any time that I caught the brat chewing on my desk my darling would always take his side. 

--and if I even thought about disagreeing with him, Seiichi would always threaten to stop sleeping with me. That...that I could not have happen. 

I don't know why Seiichi is so fond of him. I mean, I'm far better looking, not to mention more talented. I bet that the brat never made a thirty-tier high card castle on his lunch break before. Plus, "Sanada" is the name that Seiichi screams every night--except that one night when he started screaming for Big Poppa Smurf, but I think that was because he was blind drunk. Geez, before that night I'd never seen someone so skinny down so many shots of tequila...

Kirihara finished his mourning, and started to sniff at Yanagi's chair. Sanada peered at his watch, then at Kirihara. 

"Well?" he asked. "Smell anything?"

Kirihara took a big sniff, exhaling slowly. "...Unca Renji," he cooed, a goofy smile on his face. 

Sanada rolled his eyes. "Obviously, Akaya. Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Mmm..." Sniff-sniff. "Smells like...glitter." Sniff. "And dancing." Sniiiiiiiff. 

He paled, reeling back in terror. Yukimura rushed forward, catching Kirihara as he tumbled backward. Kirihara pawed at his collar, gasping for air. 

"Akaya! What is it? What did you smell?!" cried Yukimura.

Kirihara's face went ghostly white. His voice was but a whisper: "...vegetables..."

Sanada groaned, sinking his face into his palm. "Little wimp..." he grumbled. 

Yukimura shot a glare at Sanada, brushing the hair from Kirihara's forehead. "From what you smelled, Akaya, it sounds like the Theatre Royale downtown--pretty ritzy place. They employ a good amount of dancers down there, and they make wonderful Bloody Marys--only problem with the drinks is that the smell sticks with you for days."

He helped Kirihara to his feet, smoothing down the boy's clothes. "We should investigate there first; someone might have noticed if any shady characters were served tonight."

Sanada nodded, heading for the door to pick up his fedora and the coats. "Gotcha, toots. Let's move out."

Yukimura let out a laugh. "Sanada, you don't think we're going to the Theater Royale in our casual clothes, do you?"

A pause. "...no?" Sanada hazarded, confused.

Smiling, Yukimura nodded. "Correct. You're going to the Theater Royale in that nice pinstripe suit I've seen in your closet. Akaya is going to the Theater Royale in a cute little frilled number that I picked up for him about a week ago. And I'm going to the Theater Royale in a slinky little midnight-blue number that accents my behind and shows off my legs. Got it?" 

...hell yes I got it. After we said our good-byes to the robot trio, we moved out. I raced back to my apartment to get the suit Seiichi told--er...requested me to wear. 

Seiichi headed for his own apartment, taking the brat along with him. Little brat gets to watch my sweet change, gets to watch him bustle about in tights and garters as he looks for his things...anyway. I ran at light speed to Seiichi's place to pick him and Brat up--hoping to maybe arrive early enough to help Seiichi change into his dress. 

Sanada rapped on Yukimura's door in short succession. "It's me; Genichirou. You decent, doll?"

After a short moment, the door opened. "That was certainly a fast trip," said Yukimura with a laugh. "I'm just finishing up Akaya's hair; it'll be only a minute more..."

Truthfully, Sanada wasn't focusing on Yukimura's words--he was far more focused on keeping himself breathing despite the presentation before him.

Such a sight as I saw that moment should have blinded a mere mortal such as I. Yet, through some divine mercy I remained with my sight fixed upon the sylph, the specimen of beauty, the...seraph that stood before me now. 

Swathed in darkest silk that hugged his willow frame, he gazed at my unworthy self--that I would trade my body to be that silk, to wrap myself around him and bathe in his warmth...

He opened his mouth to speak. I would dash myself to pieces and consider it a small price to be the recipient of such aural bliss--speak, bright angel, that I might perish by the pleasure of your tone...

"...Sanada?" Yukimura slowly asked. He snapped his fingers in Sanada's face, blinking at the lack of reaction. Tentatively, he laid a soft hand on Sanada's shoulder. "Genichirou? ...are you alright?"

Sanada finally blinked his eyes, raked his gaze up and down Yukimura's body, and took a breath. 

Speak your thoughts, man. Beg him on bended knee to come with you to the far ends of the earth. --merely to stay with you 'til your mortal clock has ceased to tick, then he shall be free to flutter back to the Heavens whence he came: to be served by those more worthy of his company. Speak, lest your chance fly!

"...Seiichi," Sanada began. "If your ass was a cupcake, I'd take a fork and knife and I'd dig in with no questions asked."

Silence for a long, long moment. Yukimura looked understandably befuddled by Sanada's statement. 

"...al...right," the blue-haired boy said, seeming to be grasping for a response. He gestured vaguely to the couch, turning around. "...um, go sit down for a minute. I have to finish dressing Akaya, and I think you need some rest."

Sanada stalked over to the couch, manfully resisting the urge to beat his head against the wall. He flopped down with a sigh.--this just wasn't his night. First his drink-mixing skills were insulted. Then his oldest chum was kidnapped. Then he had to relive the memory of losing Mr. Squeakers. Then, somehow, "mortal clock" was translated from brain to mouth as "cupcake." Really, Sanada had half a mind to just throw in the towel for the night and let Yanagi fend for himself until the morning hours.

--but then the prospect of being able to peel that dress off of Yukimura later in the evening came to mind. A prospect that would only be realized if Sanada rooted out the Professor.

Sanada bravely decided to blaze forward. 

Kirihara bounded out of Yukimura's bedroom, two large bows nested in his curls. White tights and a pair of sweet little Mary Jane buckle shoes accented the green, frilled skirt of the dress. Kirihara tugged at the hem of the dress, looking to Yukimura for approval. 

"Do I look pretty, Auntie Seiichi?" asked Kirihara.

Yukimura pinched Kirihara's cheeks, kissing his forehead. "Very pretty, Akaya. I knew that those shoes would look just darling on you!" 

A grunt from the couch. "Well, we getting going or not?" asked Sanada. "Renji isn't going to find himself."

Yukimura zipped Kirihara into a coat, nodding. "Yes, yes--I just have to make sure we look good. The Theatre Royale is a very exclusive club, and we don't want to stand out too much. I know some of the dancers, and I've already given them calls to keep their eyes peeled for any sneaky characters."

He shrugged on his own coat, flipping his hair out from under the collar. "They can get us backstage to investigate, as well; so long as we're quiet about it."

We snagged a cab, and soon we were taking our seats in the Theatre Royale. Seiichi wasn't kidding when he said that he had connections here--scored us the best seats in the house.

My keen eyes surveyed the area for the kidnapper. Though I didn't know his face, my detecting instincts could spot a criminal from a mile away--and so far, the crook hadn't shown his face in the theater quite yet. Oh, but I was sure that he'd drag his sniveling hide up from his cave; and then BAM!--another case solved by Genichirou Sanada, Detective Extraordinaire. 

"So, now what, doll?" asked Sanada, knocking back another sip of his drink. 

Yukimura stirred his daiquiri, shaking his head. "We'll have to wait until after the performance to get backstage--it's chaos back there before shows; we'd never be able to spot anything. I suppose we should just sit back and enjoy the show for now."

Sanada nodded, raising his hand to cup Yukimura's cheek. He stroked his thumb along the boy's skin, then twining a loose curl of hair around his finger. "You know, Seiichi..." He slid his hand down to rest on Yukimura's leg. "Lil' Akaya is busy with his children's menu and crayons...there's no one else here that recognizes us. How's about we slide under the table and--"

"Unca Hiroshi! Unca Jackal!" cried Kirihara, waving frantically. He bounded over to the other boys, attaching himself to them. 

Sanada twitched. Yukimura smiled sweetly, waving Yagyuu and Jackal over and neatly plucking Sanada's hand from where it rested on his upper thigh. They tapped over to the table, Jackal carrying Kirihara all the while.

"Good evening, Sanada, Yukimura, Kirihara," Yagyuu greeted with a bow. 

Jackal settled Kirihara back to his crayons and smoothed down the wrinkles in his suit that the boy had caused. "I never figured on meeting you three here tonight. Awfully nasty weather for a night on the town."

"We could say the same to you," laughed Yukimura. He gestured to two empty seats at the table. "Care to sit with us?"

"It would be an honor." Yagyuu tugged out the chair, seating himself next to Yukimura.

Sanada frowned, nudging Kirihara's leg with his foot. Kirihara blinked, looking up from his art--a rather colorful mess of scribbles, with a stick figured drawing of Yanagi and Akaya himself prancing about in the corner with multicolored hearts around them. Sanada gestured to Yagyuu discreetly, leaning over to whisper in Kirihara's ear:

"Hey. Is he really the one he says he is?"

Kirihara shrugged. "He smells like Unca Hiroshi..."

"You sure he can't fake that kind of thing?" asked Sanada. "Like with some kind of 'Eau de Yagyuu' perfume deal?"

Kirihara blinked, slowly shaking his head. "I don't think so...I could always lick him to make sure that he tastes like Unca Hiroshi," he offered. 

Yukimura nudged both Sanada and Kirihara with his foot, shooting them a warning glance. Schooling his expression, he returned his attention to Yagyuu and Jackal. The bespectacled boy was shaking his head, clicking his tongue with disapproval at the news Yukimura had delivered.

"Really, what a world we live in." He sighed. "I wish you three the best of luck in finding the Professor."

"Ditto on that," said Jackal. "Guy makes the best drinks I've ever had, wouldn't want to lose him."

The lights began to dim. As the noise in the theater dipped to a low rumble of murmurs, Yukimura leaned in to whisper to the two newly-arrived boys:

"Are Niou and Marui dancing tonight?" 

Jackal nodded. "Yeah, otherwise I would've never left the shop. Thursdays are always the busiest of days..."

Yagyuu gestured to the stage. "Niou is the lead tonight," he explained. "He's starting off the show."

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Theatre Royale!" greeted an older man on the stage. "We thank you for coming to visit us tonight, despite the weather. Let's get started with our show tonight tout suite. Please give a round of applause for our first act!"

The theater filled with clapping. The curtains parted, revealing an empty spotlight at the very center of the stage. Sanada blinked.

"What, is he doing a magic show or something?" he asked, puzzled. "Where's the fantastic smoke-filled entrance?"

Kirihara tugged at Yagyuu's sleeve. "Can you ask Auntie Masaharu to make me a balloon animal, Unca Hiroshi? The magicians on TV always make balloon animals."

The master-of-ceremonies peeked out from the side of the stage, pale. He slowly stepped out, as if looking for someone. He cleared his throat.

"...it seems that our lead dancer is...absent at the moment," said the master-of-ceremonies, trying to control the panic in his voice. 

Sanada and Yukimura's eyes widened. Sanada leaned to Yukimura.

"You don't think...?" he trailed off. 

Yukimura shook his head fiercely, starting to get up out of his chair. "I don't know, but if that kidnapper thinks he can make off with another friend of mine--"

Yagyuu tugged on Yukimura's arm, pulling him back into his seat. Yukimura blinked, mouth opening a bit to protest.

"Yagyuu, aren't you worried about--" he started.

Yagyuu rose from his seat. He produced a whistle from his vest pocket, raised it to his lips, and blew a long, shrill note. 

The doors to the theater flew open. 

Niou stood in the doorway, arms raised above his head--decked in an acid-yellow sparkling bikini, accented flamboyantly with ostrich feathers and a shimmering tiara perched atop his head. 

"You give me fever!"

Perhaps the addition of a motorcycle to the ensemble was a bit gauche, but it did add a certain je-ne-sais-quoi. As the band started to blare out the tune, Niou straddled the bike.

"Fever when you touch me, fever when you hold me tight..."

Niou revved the engine--once, twice--before zooming off toward the stage. Screams echoed in the hall as patrons dove under tables for cover.

"Fever!"

He reached the front of the theater--used a table for a vault, flipped off the motorcycle, and landed on the stage next to the master-of-ceremonies with no shortage of panache. The same could not be said for the motorcycle, unfortunately, but thankfully it had a quick and painless death.

"Fever in the mornin', and fever all through the night..."

Niou sashayed to the spotlight, feathers bobbing proudly, bikini twinkling in the lights. He grabbed the microphone, gave a devilish grin, and leapt off the stage once more. He strutted, slowly, sensually, to where the Sanada Detective Agency sat. Taking a firm grip on Yagyuu's tie, Niou yanked him close--holding the microphone just millimeters from his mouth. 

"Hey, Hiroshi..." he said, voice low. "Why doncha tell the people what you thought of my entrance?"

Yagyuu looked unmoved. "I thought that we agreed on a motor-scooter. Motorcycles are dangerous and expensive besides."

Niou snorted, shoving Yagyuu back into his seat. "You try making an impressive entrance on a scooter."

I understand the importance of a good entrance, I do. But must it come at the cost of such a beautiful machine? 

I pried Kirihara off of my leg and let him toddle off to examine the busted motorcycle--Seiichi glared at me and coaxed him back. (It's not like he would've died or something; the brat's got nine lives.) Not-sure-but-probably-Niou returned to the stage after harassing Not-sure-but-probably-Yagyuu for a few more moments, and the rest of the show went off with few hitches.

We went backstage afterwards to interview some of the dancers--there was enough leg back there to choke a deacon, but no specimens quite as exquisite as those belonging to my Seiichi. Tell you the truth, I didn't expect to get much in the way of evidence back here--from my experience, these types of boys ain't all that bright. Didn't ever hurt to ask, though, so we began our questioning.

Marui chewed on his gum thoughtfully as he sprawled on Jackal. "Hmm..." He blew a bubble, snapped it. "There has been some weird stuff whenever I get called in from the shop to dance: weird noises, props and clothes going missing, lights flickering; the kind of stuff you hear about in ghost stories. The other dancers have turned it that, anyway--it's just a little something we use to scare the newbies in here."

Sanada scribbled some notes on his pad, and looked back up. "So the other dancers have noticed the 'weird stuff,' too?"

Niou shrugged, knocking back a gulp of a dubious-looking drink. He arranged himself more comfortably on Yagyuu's lap. "Eh. I suppose. Marui and me don't really associate with the other gents here."

"Oh?" Yukimura laughed softly. "They're not worthy of your company?"

"Bingo." Marui snapped his gum. He gestured around the room where they all sat--his own private dressing room, decked in naught but the finest furniture, with heaping bowls of naught but the finest assorted candies at strategic points. "Have to keep up appearances and all."

Niou let out uproarious laughter. "I hear you, man. I mean, did you see some of them tonight?"

"Oh, I know. That little skank Mukahi especially--can he ever last more than five minutes without sweating like a horse?"

"Heh, you'd think that with all of the 'outside training' he does, he'd get a little better with stamina..."

"I know! I'm surprised that he can even dance; I mean, whenever Jackal and me do the horizontal boogie I can't dance for weeks--"

"Alright, alright," Sanada grumbled, flipping to a new sheet of paper. "We're now all up-to-date on the gossip here. Do you know anything that actually pertains to our case?"

Marui blew a large bubble, and let it pop. "Not really. We do hope that you find the Professor, though."

Yukimura shook his head. "I suppose we're flying blind, then..." he said with a sigh.

Sanada tucked his notepad back into his suit. "Don't sweat it, we can always just interview the other dancers. Not like there's any shortage of them around--"

A bloodcurdling scream from outside of the room cut Sanada's assurance off. The group leapt to their feet and raced to the door. 

Marui flung the door open in time to see a gaggle of dancers gathering at the door to the room that seemed to be the source of the scream. The group rushed out to join the gaggle, and Yukimura tapped the shoulder of the nearest boy--a boy with orange-gold hair, coiled into curls like those of a little lamb's.

"Excuse me, what just happened?" he asked. 

The boy turned to Yukimura, blinked sleepily. "...I'unno...I was just taking a nap, and got woken up by someone stepping on me; everyone was running here, so I decided to follow..."

Marui arched an eyebrow, snapping his gum. "Wow. Gives a new meaning to 'following like a sheep,'" he quipped.

The boy's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as he noticed Marui. He let out a shriek of glee--even louder than the mysterious scream just a few moments back--and dashed up to Marui.

"Oh my god!" he squealed. "You're Bunta Marui, right?! My name's Jiroh Akutagawa and I'm your biggest fan and I've followed your dancing ever since you got started and I saw you here and I always wanted to be a dancer but everyone said that I was too short to do it and that no one would want to see a short dancer but you're short too so you inspired me to take up dancing but I've never been able to talk to you before since I never get assigned the same nights that you do which is such a bummer because I always wanted to talk to you and tell you how great I think you are and how cool that one move is that you do oh how does it go it's the one where you go a-tappa-tappa-taptap-taptap-boom-bang-bow you know that one oh sure you do since you're the one who invented it and all oh man oh man I can't believe I'm actually talking to the Bunta Marui I worship the ground you walk on and will you sign my shoes wait wait I need my shoes ummm will you sign my chest?!" he finished, yanking open the front of his dancer's outfit.

Marui looked a bit dazed. "...um." He chewed his gum a bit. "...you got a pen?"

Jiroh fished around in his outfit frantically, finally coming up with a pink gel pen. He offered it to Marui like one presenting a sacrifice to a deity. Marui scribbled his autograph on Jiroh's chest, capped the pen, and handed it back. Jiroh let out another shriek of glee, bounding up and down.

"I'll never let anyone lick me there again, I promise!!" he assured. 

Marui laughed a bit, ruffling Jiroh's curls. "Heeh, don't deprive your honey of that privilege. I'll give you a proper autograph later."

Jiroh looked like he was about to have a seizure. "Bunta. Marui. Just. Touched. Me. I die now." He let out a happy sigh, let his eyes roll into the back of his head, and tumbled backward.

Another dancer, one with chocolate-colored hair cropped short, caught him. He rose an eyebrow at his fallen friend, then turned a Look at the Sanada Detective Agency and its associates.

"...the scream was from one of the newbie dancers' dressing rooms," he explained in a monotone. "Kaoru Kaidoh, I think."

Sanada tipped his hat to the boy, and swept toward the room where all of the dancers were gathered and gossiping. Yukimura bowed respectfully.

"Thank you, sir. We owe you one."

The boy waved him off, switching the slumbering body of Jiroh to his other arm. "Yeah, yeah; I'm just happy whenever he's asleep and not yapping my ear off. Go and help your boy-toy with whatever."

Before Yukimura could reply, Sanada's voice was heard over the chattering of the crowd.

"Get in here now, all of you! Found the kidnapper's calling card again, and I found his escape route!"

The group dashed into the room. Sanada was examining a large hole in the wall; a hole seeming to stretch downward into the bowels of the theater by a long, thin tunnel. 

"I--" he started.

"UNCA RENJIIIIII!! I'LL SAVE YOU!!" Kirihara barreled into the room, bazooka at the ready. The group let out a shriek and hit the dirt. One blast from the bazooka, and the tunnel was no longer so thin. The smoke cleared, and Sanada slowly rose his head.

"...I heard screams coming from here," he explained. "And it's no longer such a tight fit. Still only enough room for one person at a time, though."

Niou and Yagyuu marched forward first. Niou examined the tunnel, and graciously gestured toward his friend.

"Shall I let you go first, my dear, darling Hiroshi?"

Yagyuu made a gentlemanly bow. "I'm not worthy of the honor, and I realize that you really only want me to go first so I can break your fall."

Niou winked. "You always were the smart one." 

He shoved Yagyuu down the hole, then diving down after him. Marui and Jackal were next--Marui took one look at the hole, one look at Jackal, and promptly followed Niou's example. 

Only Sanada, Yukimura, and Kirihara were left. Sanada weighed his options.

"Sanada!" Yukimura reprimanded as Sanada moved to shove Kirihara down the hole. He stalked over in front of Kirihara, guarding him.

Sanada held up his hands, an injured look upon his face. "Hey, I was going to go next--I just wanted to give you a soft landing."

"What makes you think that I'd want to land on poor little Akaya?" Yukimura asked, angrily. 

"You wouldn't be landing on him, you'd be landing on me; I'd be the one landing on Kiri--"

The explanation was cut off by a loud battle shriek from Kirihara as he launched himself down the hole.

"I'm coming, Unca Renjiiiiiiiiii--!!" he cried, voice fading down the shaft.

...well, that problem was solved. I convinced Seiichi to let me go first to break his fall--and oh, but it was worth it. 

We found ourselves in a sort of underground cavern--man-made, I assumed, judging from all of the computer junk down there. We also found ourselves trapped in a net--also man-made. I clutched my sweet close to me to protect him, and left the brat to chew us a way out of the net (finally, all the gnawing practice would be put to good use).

"Ugh, Niou! Get your ass out of my face!" 

"What, ain't it a nice enough pillow for you?"

"If it's all the same to you, Masaharu, I'd rather it be in my face."

"Bunta, doll, if you could just remove your foot from my crotch, I think we'd both be happier people..."

"Unca Renji, I'm coming to save yooooou--!!"

"Quiet, all of you!" Sanada barked. "There's no point in yelling if the people you're arguing with are crammed up against you!"

"...and there's no point in suffocating me when I'm already protected on all sides..." Yukimura managed to squeak out while trying to wriggle out of Sanada's well-meaning death-hold. 

"And lastly, there's no point in trying to gnaw through that net," chuckled a mysterious voice. 

The group attempted to jerk their heads in the direction of the voice, but only really managed to make the net--suspended as it was it mid-air--swing back-and-forth nauseatingly. The voice once again chuckled. 

"I was waiting until the seven of you finally found your way down here," it said. "Though I must admit that my calculations on the exact time that it would take for you to find my lair greatly underestimated your ability to get sidetracked."

That voice. I knew that voice. The one that Renji worked with at his university. The one that got suspended for a month for making a giant man-eating plant in the chemistry labs, and then failed to do a write-up on the experiment. The one that made a giant battle robot out of empty soda cans and a Speak-n-Spell, and set it loose at the graduation ceremonies. 

The one that...kidnapped my best pal! (Man, do I love doing dramatic build-up...)

Inui chuckled again, adjusting his glasses. Kirihara let out a bloodthirsty roar, and began to claw madly through the holes in the net in a vain attempt to shred Inui to pieces. Yukimura glared at Inui through the net. 

"So you're the kidnapper..." he growled. "Where are Renji-san and the dancer?!"

"You'll see soon enough, Yukimura-san." Inui stuck his hands into the pockets of his labcoat, stepping forward. "Unfortunately, you're really the only invited guest."

Yukimura's eyebrows raised. "...what's that supposed to mean?" he asked, quietly, angrily.

Inui stepped up to a nearby console, and pressed a few buttons. "It means that I'll have to show your friends out, I'm afraid."

The top of the net opened, and a robotic arm reached in--and plucked a struggling Yukimura out despite the screams and protests of the other members of the group inside. The net closed again, and the robotic arm carried Yukimura over to Inui. He smiled at his prize amiably.

"Who the hell do you think you are, jackass?!" roared Sanada. "Give back Seiichi, let us out, and while you're at it, tell us where you took Renji and the dancer!" 

"Well, let's see," started Inui, counting off his fingers. "I'm afraid that I can't grant your last three requests, but I shall honor your first question."

He bowed to the bellowing and cussing group trapped in the net. "You know who I am, Sanada-san, though your other friends most certainly don't.--my name is Professor Sadaharu Inui, and I'm an old school friend of Renji's."

Jackal's eyes widened. "'Professor Inui'? The Professor Inui; the one that just bought out the biggest health food chain in the nation?"

Inui nodded. "The very same. Rather nasty business; being on the front pages when one's trying to plan a respectable kidnapping."

"If you're such a big-shot, why would you want to kidnap people?!" growled Niou. "It's not like you need the cash!"

A listless shrug. The robotic arm began to carry Yukimura off into the depths of the cavern, and Inui followed it. "No reasons that you need to know..." he replied. 

Yukimura pounded at the metal that surrounded him, trying to free himself. "Well, what do you need me for?!" he snapped. 

Inui chuckled. "Renji asked me if we could perhaps include you in our fun," he explained. "Since I had already selected my own Special Playmate from the dancers upstairs, I felt it only fair that he be granted the request."

Yukimura paled, halting his pounding. The net stopped swaying, and a collective blink came from the group in it. Inui, had his eyes not been covered by thick lenses, likely would have blinked back.

"...was it something I said?" he asked. 

Suddenly, a projecting screen lowered from the ceiling. A familiar face flickered onto it. 

"Have you been able to locate him ye--" Yanagi paused at the sight of the display before him, and quite nearly choked. "Sadaharu, what do you think you're doing to poor Yukimura-san?!"

Yanagi pressed a few buttons just off to the side of the screen's display, and Yukimura was lowered gently to the ground. The net containing the rest of the Sanada Detective Agency was dropped unceremoniously, and a writhing mass of sparkles and bubble-gum tumbled out. Yanagi sunk his head into his hands, sighing in frustration.

"I told you to fetch Yukimura-san, but I didn't expect you to treat him so shabbily!" he groaned. He turned to Yukimura, concern flooding his features. "You aren't hurt, are you? No bumps or bruises or torn clothes?" 

Yukimura boggled at the question. "Pardon?" he choked out. "Sanada and I just trekked through rainy streets in the middle of the night--in one of my best dresses, I might add--had to make poor little Akaya stay up well past his bedtime, dragged Marui and Niou and Jackal and Yagyuu down through a shaft only to wind up jammed in a net together, and then I was smushed, suffocated, and yanked around by a giant robotic arm--all of this to find you, and then you ask if I'm alright?!"

Yanagi lowered his head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Yukimura-san...I never meant to get anyone except for you involved--and I never meant for you to even leave the house." He sighed. "I'll have to have a talk with those robots and their stalling skills..."

Sanada, lying on the ground under the mass of the dumped group, rose his hand. "Might I ask a quickie myself, Renji?"

Yanagi rose an eyebrow. "Be my guest."

Sanada was silent for a moment, before screaming: "Will someone kindly give us an explanation as to what the hell is going on?!"

Inui removed his hands from his ears, shaking his head. 

"So impatient; yet I'll be glad to enlighten you. You see, every so often Renji and I like to get together for a nice little nostalgic romp in the sheets.--and we find it most exciting when it's spontaneous, thus we take turns snatching each other up from our respective homes. I thought tonight would be a wonderfully electrifying night for such a thing--pardon the pun, if you will--and I'd also been informed that one of my favorite young dancers would be performing tonight at the theater above us. So, I snatched up Renji during the brief blackout, and brought him here. After said romp, Renji came up with a wonderful plan to invite my sweet dancer to frolic with us.--I was of course more than obliged to do so, and offered to use my resources to invite Yukimura-san along as well. By this point, unfortunately, your little Agency had already left Renji's house. I was unable to locate you, but was fairly sure that you'd come to the theater--as I had left behind my business card. After the performance, I had to make a rather noisier deal out of inviting my little dancer than I would have liked; yet I did have to make sure that you all would have heard it. You came down to my lair, and here we are."

Yanagi snorted. "Thank you for stealing the entire explanation for yourself, Sadaharu."

Inui shrugged. "If you wanted to hop in, you should've--"

A flying, raging, red-eyed Kirihara projectile interrupted him. "You stole Unca Renji!!" it shrieked, knocking Inui to the ground. 

"Akaya," Yanagi said calmly. "Down."

Obediently, Kirihara plopped down on his rump, holding Inui's glasses between his teeth. He gazed adoringly at Yanagi's projection. Yanagi smiled at him indulgently, then turning his gaze to Inui. 

"Sadaharu, you might want to get back to the lab. Your little dancer is getting rather restless back here.--and Akaya, give Sadaharu back his glasses."

"Inui-sempaiiiiii..." a voice moaned from off-screen.

Inui nodded, rescuing his glasses from Kirihara's chompers. "Tell him that the Professor will be back to give him his exam shortly," he said, tapping off down the corridor. 

Sanada groaned, prying himself out from under the mass of flesh. He stumbled over to Yukimura and helped him up, glaring up at Yanagi on the screen. Yanagi lowered his head in shame. 

"...I'm sorry, all of you," he sighed. "I really should have left a note, rather than drag you all out. "

Marui, Jackal, Niou, and Yagyuu gave what could be considered a grunt of forgiveness from where they were still piled--perhaps more of a grunt of something else, considering the fact that clothes were being tossed away and the writhing was increasing. Sanada cleared his throat, wrapping his arm around Yukimura in a prompt of sorts. Yanagi nodded, bowing his head.

"And I apologize for inviting Yukimura-san along without including you, Genichirou," he added.

Sanada nodded triumphantly. "That's more like it."

Spinning Yukimura around, Sanada pressed a kiss to his mouth. "Now, Seiichi..." He moved his hands down until they cupped Yukimura's rump. "...how's about we take up Renji on his offer?"

Yukimura smiled, his eyes darkening. "Whatever you say..." He slid his hand down Sanada's chest, resting at his belt. "...you tall drink of mansex."

~*

Sanada blinked open his eyes. He lay on the floor of the Rikkai Dai team room, half-dressed. A tapping sound came from his side--he looked over to see Yukimura glaring at him, tapping his foot against the floor. 

Yukimura continued to levy the glower at Sanada for a few more moments, before letting out an explosive sigh.

"...you ate the Skittles again, didn't you?"

Sanada flushed, then tugged his hat over his eyes. "...yes, sir."

Yukimura jabbed a finger out at the courts. "Fifty laps for interrupting practice with your interpretive dance, and thirty more for not sharing with the rest of the team."

Sanada rose to his feet woozily. Yukimura crossed his arms, frowning still.

"...add another twenty to that number, too," he commanded.

Sanada jerked his head in Yukimura's direction, blinking. Yukimura sniffed, beginning to walk out of the room.

"For not doing another striptease, mansex."

~*

O! MA! KE! NI! WA--!

--This is a Public Service Announcement. We now take you to Professors Yanagi and Inui.--

"Hello, all," Yanagi greeted. "We're here to tell you something very important."

"That's right, Renji." Inui produced a pointer, and gestured to the words on the blackboard behind him. "All together now."

"Never create a giant man-eating plant without adult supervision!" Inui and Yanagi said in unison. 

"You just might lose an eye," said Yanagi.

"Or a leg," Inui added.

"Or an arm."

"Or both arms."

"Or both legs and both arms. And then what would you be, kids?" asked Yanagi. 

"A torso!" a chorus of children cried from off-screen. 

"That's right." Inui gestured to his own giant man-eating plant beside him. "I created Mittens here when I didn't know this important fact. I was very lucky, and he just ate the laboratory monitor instead."

"Growr!" said Mittens, wiggling his leaves excitedly at the memory. 

"But you might not be so lucky!" said Inui. "So, what's that phrase again?"

"Never create a giant man-eating plant without adult supervision!" Yanagi, Inui, and the children all yelled in unison. 

--This has been a Public Service Announcement. We thank you for your time, and return you to your regularly scheduled program, Rikkai Dai Fuzoku's Chocolate Pudding Orgy, already in progress.--


End file.
